Written by James Kamau

One thing I always avoid when we approach a weekend is to think on how I will be able to spend money, I am a great spender you know, I don’t normally save if I get money. This I inherited from my great grandfather he was truly a man of nyadthi a true son of kabiero whenever he acquired wealth he would contract someone to select the best lady to marry then rejoins her with the rest of seventeen wives. Entirely I am married; that they say that marriage is an antidote for a long life, marriage is the medicine for it all…that I may disagree a bit I married the daughter of 0mweri, she was raised and threshed in those sides of the lakes.

It is difficult to call this luck, because the daughter of 0mweri always made my life very miserable many times, that is why I spend my weekend hunting for young kanyamas to soothe me, Angel was my kanyama and she was simply angel if I may describe her just like her name, they say every good thing has a bad side, Angel likes to spend my money and I don’t mind, she makes me feel like a kacheliba bull, although somebody said that you cannot teach old dog new tricks my kanyama has taught me a lot, she’s a campus girl  you know, and I bet she was taught well on how to please and keep a man unlike the daughter of 0mweri who had no idea at all on how to keep and especially please a man.

Am at work and its approaching Friday afternoon, I get a phone call, this I see is from my kanyama she is done with her lectures and wants me to drop her to her hostel and change for the night, just as I was about to take off the second phone rings…ha! I did not tell you, if you are a kanyama hunter you need to have two phones, one for kanyamas and the other for your well…Wife!…that I call the art of secrecy! A hunter cannot be hunted by the animal he hunts right? That is the theory of my cousin zuma who hold a record of having very many kanyamas; I cannot try his gymnastics with kanyamas because I know that the daughter of 0mweri might get a wind of that so I do what I can do best maintain one kanyama.

So the second call rings, I see it’s from daughter of 0mweri, I curse the phone for letting the call through, truly I had not expected her call especially on a Friday, so I am stuck whether to pick or to ignore, then I asses the consequences…if I pick she would blab about taking her for weekend shopping of the house which I truly hate, let me share an experience with you, one time we went in this supermarket, we picked all that We had to pick reaching on the counter she started to complain on how things are very expensive and how service stinks in that supermarket not quietly but aloud! I was thrown aback on how she can expose her ignorance out on the open!!!…well I was with her and I wouldn’t like to call “our ignorance” anyway everybody was staring at us so I paid and left, that closed that chapter of going shopping with the daughter of 0mweri, I swear by the sweats of the gods of the lakes that I hated the daughter of 0mweri’s guts!

If I don’t pick the phone then it would be hell on earth! Basically hell on me…the whole week she would be thinking that I was with my secretary that is why I did not pick the phone she would invent all type of explanations to implicate me hence would lead to the following, she won’t cook, there would be no sex simply because I would sleep in the car, unending arguments and she won’t wash my clothes, that is a disaster you will bear witness if you are a man.

Here I am stuck with two options, pick or not, I go with my inner voice not to…I get my coat from my chair and vamoose, start my BMW and speed of heading to Jomo Kenyatta University to pick my kanyama.

City life is great at night, I am with my kanyama by my side, and she is narrating to me how a lecturer in her campus tried to manipulate her into accepting him as his kanyama, I felt proud because if you have a kanyama and nobody is taking interest in her then you should be worried if you have a better deal, so she continues to blab out ordeals in campus which raises no interest in me at all, we arrive in her hostel she jumps out and disappears inside I am left in the thinking what the daughter of omweri will do to me at night when I return. My kanyama comes back smiling, putting on a miniskirt, to say the truth I the true great son of kabiero born in the land of nyakach have never seen perfect pair of limbs clearly sculptured to well…even compared to the gods of the lakes, her beauty immediately erased thoughts of confrontations with the daughter of omweri.

Here I was in my car driving at a very cautious speed now and again stealing glances to view a perfect laid pair of limbs; I couldn’t bring myself to accept the reality that I married the daughter of omweri what was I thinking! I was thinking all manner of things I could do in order to return back to bachelorhood. We reached at our hang out joint, I ordered three beers and she order some lady drinks, very expensive but I bear the inner pain for a couple of minutes, I chatted away with my kanyama occasionally grabbing her for a kiss, I was nearly excusing myself to go and pee when I noticed a woman resembling daughter of omweri, I removed my spectacles, cleaned and put back on again, it was her!!!

I sat back with a thud, my kanyama asked me whether I was well, I assured her that I was having just a slight dizziness, she bought the explanation, I asked her to get for me an aspirin at the dashboard locker in my car which was parked at least a block away…second hint for kanyama hunters never park your car close to your joint! You could be hinting where you are…she run off, I pulled my seat to a corner so as the daughter of omweri could not see me, my heart was beating so fast as if I was in a marathon competition, I was sweating profusely through all body openings somebody would think I was in a steam bath.

The daughter of omweri had no idea at all that the son of kabiero was in the same joint, she pulled a seat and sat, ordered two Smirnoff ice and got her phone from the purse  and dialed a number, meanwhile I was expecting my phone to vibrate but it wasn’t! so I guessed she was calling one of her girlfriends, she chatted like two minutes and hang up, meanwhile my mind was clouded with very many thoughts of how I would disappear from that joint without being seen by the daughter of omweri, I knew if she sees me with my kanyama then she would tore me to pieces and hang my kanyamas body on the roof.

Something unbelievable happened! A guy in her late thirties, muscular entered the joint and went straight to her table grinning, they hugged and kissed, it was truly unbelievable!! To add salt to pepper they were sitting together arm in arm like a newly wedded couple just like me and her a year ago, all these events unfolding on my very own eyes made myself think that I was a victim of alcohol consumption…drunk!! It was like seeing an AIDS patient heal. But assessing the situation I had taken only two beers therefore there was no doubt whatsoever that what I was witnessing was real and happening.

I wanted to do what a real bull of kacheliba would do if another bull trespasses its jurisdiction; bull fight, but a smart man always assesses the possibility of winning the fight before resorting to that and definitely I concluded that I would lose if at all that was my last resort, I decided to play a mind game to see whether the daughter of omweri would buy it. I was going to the counter to clear the bill when my kanyama came back, she was holding pills of aspirin with her I gestured at her that I wanted us to move to another joint, she didn’t seem to question that she collected her purse and went out to wait for me in the car, this was now my chance to realize my dream; bachelorhood.

I approached them, the fellow was whispering something on her ear, and I think what they were sharing between themselves was evidently to do with something they were to do in private, I sat down facing them, when the daughter of omweri saw me she nearly got a heart attack, she spit some Smirnoff which she had in the mouth and stared at me as if I was a dead man walking, the fellow was left wondering what was happening to the daughter of omweri after she had seen me, I greeted the fellow and I introduced myself as the long suffering husband of the daughter of omweri and explained that  he was like Jesus to me who had come to save me of my sufferings from wrath of the daughter of omweri. 

The daughter of omweri was overtaken by events which was unfolding before her, from her face and reactions I think she thought that she was having a nightmare, she also did not understand why I reacted that way, indeed I was reacting the opposite way, she definitely knew that such a scenario would be chaotic and the result would be one of us would either be hospitalized or lose a tooth in the event, she just sat there dumbfounded while I enjoyed the scenario blissfully, I thanked the fellow for pulling me out of a dark pit of marriage and into daylight of bachelorhood, I stood up, straightened my tie  and lamented “she is all yours” and I left.

I am completely sure that the daughter of omweri had caught a heart attack, if she hadn’t then she would get hypertension or heart related disease, as I walked out of the joint I felt energized once again to accept once again the warm arm of bachelorhood, the things that I went through that marriage was unexplainable, this time I took my kanyama to the house not to lodging or motel but once again my house!!


Author: Faith Oneya

Lover of the written and spoken word.


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