Written by Nicholas Makau
Come on men…
Talk is cheap, as I realised, so am venturing into pushing the cars I have talked about before to the limits I said they would hit. But just as behind any fantasy is something we know but can’t achieve – like having your boss’s new girl – there are other things we have achieved that we should not be proud of – like your second TV set for the bedroom, and these cars…
Like a cheap perfume, everyone knows it, but leaves the use to those without other means of pacifying human odors. And so unlike a motor bike, the Vitz just assures you of atleast a tyre on every corner. So no, not even the excuse of dropping kids to school with your wife’s car will not suffice.
Adolf Hitler was bad. No question. But over the years the world has seen alot more worse things that would make Hitler a guest in the Vatican. And while some cars are such bad things, the Probox is in its own class of badness. It has all no one wants in a car.
The Probox then is the basement for bad taste in cars. You can never lower the bar, unless you want to sink below the ground. Go get your refund!
And so Toyota localised the feel for Land Rover Defender appreciators. Not bad, except that you will never convince yourself out of the feeling that you wanted a big car that you could not afford.
In your routine parole to the show room, for no apparent reason other than to sate your hunger for automobiles that your bank manager wont let you have, you come across a Duet and wish they gave you salt at the entrance to rub onto your eyes instead! See?
28 years is no short time in life. And if you are reading this article and still cannot comprehend why going home is still dictated by things you cannot control like weather or traffic jam, then u know how short 28 really isn’t.
But 5 days ago you bought your March K13, which is in its 28th year of production, and have enjoyed liberal visitation to your girlfriend’s since then (going home aint no longer dictated by things u cant control anymore), but also find that your visits have been punctuated by less sex, then you need to connect the dots and give your campus sister the K13 keys. This car then is for those people who want less sex.
On the anniversary of a thankless job you have diligently held over the last five years, and after settling that furniture loan – by eventually selling them as antiques – you walk to your bank again and order for a major loan with the Tribeca behind your head. You get the loan alright, but enough to scammer a CAMI home
Its day one and you turn up at your ex-classmate’s birthday party in your 1,000cc unit and expect your other classmates to pat you at the back which they wont. They will want to get at their zippers and p** at you!
Time and technology have proved me right about that. And just like the makers of those TVs deserve to be plummeted in the 21st century, the engineers behind Colt will need to be drowned in diesel in the next century for fascinating mankind with boredom.
As I said, I can forgive ugliness and cheapness separately; it is a dangerous mix in the Colt.
Like a demure comedian, we are forced to sit through a boring session when what you paid for was fun.
All that forces us to sit through is the expectation that he will say something at the end of the dry joke to jerk us up, but he doesn’t, and we go home feeling like we paid to watch Chelsea v Arsenal and instead got Arsenal V Nottingham Forest (we still watched Arsenal).
If you got male friends who value their legs, and you figure out they will lack the dignity and accept a ride in your small Suzuki, then don’t make it an Alto.
On the plus though, it actually has five doors!
If you want a car that you can still reach the back window from the front seat then this is it.
You can fit two humans in the front, but the back is only for those who have disrespected you in the past. And the boot is the same size as some of the larger handbags on the market.
So men, would you rather walk to work and keep your dignity or will we come to your wedding and have your bride driven in such.
And men, if you cannot have your bride driven in any of the above, then do not accept to drive yourself in one.