Dating Tips from a Married Man

Written by Mukorino Precious

I had a date on Saturday-hadn’t had one of those in a while so I enjoyed the prospect of going out. He turned out to be married-a fact revealed halfway into the date –I couldn’t very well leave my nicely fried chicken half-eaten, so I stayed. I enjoyed the company-he was the perfect gentleman. Stood up when I entered the room, held my chair for me, showered me with attention-I could not help but compare him to the single men I had dated, and decided on a few lessons single men could learn.


Tip 1: Shower her with attention. Pretend not to notice when Manu or Arsenal scores (You can watch a re-run later)-constantly ask her kama she’s ok-pour her drink; look at her as if in wonderment of her beauty. Meet her eyes and smile. Ask her about her-then listen to the mild exaggeration-this date is not about you!

Tip 2: Be the perfect Gentleman. Stand up when she comes into the room. Hold her chair out for her. Don’t swear out loud and show her dirty propaganda texts about panua (PNU), banana (Yes campaign) or ODM-completely offensive. Sticking a toothpick into your mouth and spreading out your belly is also a no-no.

Tip 3 :You’re NOT Michael Jackson. Other people also want to dance too- you don’t have to shake the booty and sing along loudly-that’s why Kuna blaring music-for God’s sake.

Tip 4: Have the perfect timing for the sob-story. The “My marriage is over” confession ( or whatever other confessions it is that you use to get the sympathetic juices flowing)should come late into the date-never at the beginning-otherwise it will just seem whiny-the words should be spoken in a tone of the injured, while being careful not to portray the woman as the bitch but simply a woman who “doesn’t understand me”. A far-away look in the eyes should follow this, so that it seems as if the man has been transported into a world of pain that he’s not alien to, but which he is helpless to resist. By this time, the date will have held his hand as if to pull him from the abyss that he has fallen into…mh-irresistable.The sob story stunt always works ALWAYS. Hizo zingine ni rumors tu.

Tip 5: Always take the girl home (to her home).While this is an oft-ignored factor, it always guarantees a second date. Have her home and dry-you will always end up with the promise of a second date. Most single men will demand the lady go home with him ama ajipange-Why would a girl want to go out on a second date with a man who thinks she’s a chipsfunga?


Author: Faith Oneya

Lover of the written and spoken word.

5 thoughts on “Dating Tips from a Married Man”

  1. What a cheeky exposé by a desperate woman keen on deflating men economically. Shit, you’ve got hands – pull your chair and pour your drink. Want some fried chicken? Hell, work hard and make some quid, glutton! Want a ride home: fuck, are those legs you have there? Try route 11. And you really want a fuck…work for it, ugly!

    There. No apologies! 😦

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