Written by Faith Oneya
1. On the day that you slap the big L on your back and front window, every man you meet from your colleagues at work, to pedestrians, to the watchman at the gate at work and at home, all who have never set foot on an accelerator will automatically assume they can drive better than you, until you stop one in their tracks and ask them;
“Are you a licensed driver?”
And he says: “No”.
Then you will say: “There you go, then. I am a licensed driver. So perhaps you better leave the driving to me and I will leave other matters to you.Sawa?”
2. If you happen to drive on the roads that matatus also drive on, be prepared for drivers and touts that can smell fear of the Nairobi roads from 50kms away. They will scratch you and bump into you and say:
“Ni Learner Tu. Kwanza ata ni mwanamke! Twende!”
You will probably gasp in shock and a little annoyance but you will focus your eyes on the road…
3. On the day of your first accident, you will probably lock yourself up in the car and make frantic calls to your mechanic and your taxi driver. The policeman at the accident scene will smell fear and naivety through the window screen and start slapping charges like: “Overspeeding,Careless Driving,Mansluaghter,Resisting Arrest.” On you even though no-one is hurt in the accident!
4. If you enter the wrong lane in a roundabout, the experienced female driver whose lane you entered will roll down her window and shout:
“Rudi driving school wewe!”
5. If you give a male colleague a lift to town, he will constantly tell you (at all the roundabouts and junctions).
“Wacha Uwoga,enda tu!enda!”
6. Your new mechanic will introduce to you parts of the car that you previously had not heard of whenever there is a “funny noise” from the car. He will then charge you for “consultation” and the “bits and parts that I am getting you “at a cheaper price”.(You will thenquickly run to cry on the shoulders of AA Kenya)