Written by Faith Oneya
You are an eighties baby. You have gone to so many weddings and baby showers that you mutter words like ‘fascinators’ and ‘fuchsia’ in your sleep.
It is at one of these weddings that you will meet a former high school mate you have not seen since the Just a Band’s Makemende video went viral.She will give you one of those “cheek hugs”(Because she has not fully mastered the pretentious hug which, if done extremely well ,should be a mid-air hug, or something). She will smile and ask;
Where have you been?
To which you will answer.
Around. Niko Tu.
A literally pregnant silence will follow, which she will fill with:
When is yours?
To which you will reply.
It is coming. But do not hold your breath.
She will look at you with sad eyes and pat your shoulders as if you have just been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and say;
Do not worry, Utapata tu.
On a Friday, you will be invited to a house party, where you will meet a dude you used to go to campus with. You vaguely remember his face because he has gained about ten kilograms and belches more times after two alcoholic drinks than any other male his age you have ever encountered.
He will ask you the same questions as that random chic you met at the wedding asked you. His reactions though, will be slightly different.
Belching man: What have you been up to?(Read: Are you married? Any children?)
You: Not much…I am waiting for the list of supermarkets where such things are bought ndio nijisort…
He will laugh uninhibitedly (As any inebriated man is wont to do)
Belching Man: You mean you never got married? You were too choosy in campus. You never took a look at guys like me.
You: (Assuming a lightly laced sarcastic tone).That is my loss,aki.
Belching man: I work for blah,blah,blah…I have a son now. Would you like to see him?
The belching man will then unleash a Nokia (The phone in a drunken man’s pocket is always a Nokia) to show a grainy 5 minute video of his toddler son chewing on something.
Belching Man will then say with pride;
He is eating a cob of maize.
A few minutes later, after mistaking your silent 5-minute polite stare at the grainy video as a look of longing, he will say;
Do not worry, you will get one too.
You will be sitting in traffic when the ever-relentless hawker will shove a Ben-10 branded toy in your face and say;
Chukua kamoja ka junior.
Because your window is already open and you want to be counted among the polite Kenyans, you will tell him;
Si leo,na ata sina m-junior.
Ah, aki uko serious? Ni sawa tu madam Mungu atakujalia upate.
You will then say: Sawa, asante.
The hawker will watch you pitifully as you drive away.
Later,you will come up with possible responses to shut anyone who would like to know the real answer. Examples;
- You got married to a strange man in the bar after a drinking binge and now you do not remember his name or where he lives you cannot track him down for a divorce( this should be said with a careless shrug of your shoulders)
- You are still waiting for a response from the dating site you registered and paid a hefty down payment for a match
- You have just ordered for a groom from an Asian country and are waiting to save enough for dowry
- You were recently diagnosed with a psychiatric condition that makes you spontaneously stab people who propose to you
The list will be endless. You will share the responses with your girlfriends over cocktails and rejoice in the endless possibilities of life.