Written by Nicholas Makau

Marriage is,

marriedeven to those of us not willing to admit it, a good thing. It is, going by the excitement I see every time a proposal is accepted, and gauging by the many weddings I have been into, a key to a happy future…sort of. But the skeptic in me won’t let go of the rising divorce statistic, and, in case of my neighbor Tom, a marry-go-round with his partner Kate where they decide to get married, or stay asunder, depending on who gets their salary first. The married, especially the ladies, are too willing to go to town about their bedroom problems, even when that is not necessary. I do not listen to Classic 105 alot, but I hear much of it in lifts, ATM queues and the occasional lone lady at the corner stool in a noisy pub.

The past couple of months has seen a lot of love in the air. And when a man turns his back against the over a billion women on earth for that particular someone – we all can’t be the pope -then you know that love has conquered.

I write this from my single conclave, where I have been since I was dumped out of the passion wagon three years ago. So you will forgive me if some of it comes out as utter jealousy. Last weekend I had four wedding invites, all starting at 11 and ending at 3, in various gardens strewn around town. I knew I had no excuse to not attend all of them, but I couldn’t. On my way to the third venue, a neighbor of a friend called and directed I be at my friend’s house immediately, where I found his girlfriend of 5 years weeping after being Kidero’d and then all the jealousy was immediately replaced with being content. Content that being single is not a bad idea after all.

As I drove back home that evening in Wini (my car), I could help but put a statistic in the day. In a time where marriages are in the same rate as breakups, you are safer single. Or as for me, you are safer in your car.

Marriages are a lot like cars nowadays. When you have a new one, you paint your Facebook wall red with pictures of your new thing, you take trips a lot more frequently, but you can only drive one at a time and when old, you have the option of pimping, or replacing, and both are costly, and come with heartache, or toothache, depending on where they come from. You might dump your car due to a mechanical problem only to find the one you acquire after has a different, if not bigger problem. What you drive in a marriage could be a…

Mercedes

They are sleek and stylish, and at the dowry negotiation you will be told they are reliable, that’s why you need to spend more. You take her home and realize that the sleekness was because they bath in a rare oil that has to be imported, and that they can only be serviced at certain places in town where the price of service is non-negotiable.

Land Rover Defender

They are reliable, and will never let you down, even when broken. Your friends are jealous coz you have what they can’t get. Like the Mercedes, you only service them in places of their own kind, but the price per service might be negotiable.

Vitz

They are efficient, that is the word you regret to have believed from your sales man, or the guy who gave you the through-pass. Everyone who knows me knows that I love this car, in the same way I love Classic 105, bungee-jumping, hot liquids and mosquitoes.

Range Rover Sport

The beauty is always in the eyes of the beer-holder, but for the Rangie, everyone appreciates one when they see it. Do you just notice how everyone drools at the majestic curves, the rich rear and sheer exudation of confidence when one passes? It’s a lot like the queen passing, even the matatu drivers stop in their madness to appreciate. If you have a Rangie for a girl, then you are in for some trouble, with everyone. Trouble with her boss, because you know he can get her; trouble with your boys (remember the EABL advert about replacement?); trouble with the butcher man; trouble with her gym instructor, he`s got a bigger chest; trouble with the cops. It needs a lot of fuel though, literary

Subaru Impreza

This is the common-place urban girl. She might call Rongai home but takes Mojitos when you offer to foot the bill, otherwise she is a Smirnoff black ice on a normal Friday night out. Your marriage to her will be smooth, until you run broke and the Mojito becomes more important than your actual impreza spare parts

Nissan Lafesta

She is the common-place rural girl who came to town and discovered she was beautiful. She knows how to keep her house, her dress code could be bettered by brushing. Your marriage to her will be smooth all the way, but you will have to pay to keep her beauty from fading, and in turn, she will feed your ego till kingdom come.

VW

Its like an argument with your primary school teacher, one of you must be wrong, and even if the teacher is wrong, you both know who will be wrong at the end of the day.

Atoti

I know we have been told haichoki. But that is the same word we tell our politicians when on campaign trail, even if those words come from their wives.

Wini

He was lambasted for his passion for Naivasha, when she preferred the South Coast option. With my Wini, we never run into such frivolity, even when I got to Naivasha five weekends arow. She just pulls her heart out nicely and delivers me to my destination without complaints. She is quite content with staying outside of the tent, even when it rains. Marriage then, should be like me and my Wini, we have our tacit agreement to remain reliable to each other, and have our moments when we don’t deliver on the promise, like if I don’t fuel, she won’t take me to work.

But in the end,

Women are like cars you can trade them in for a new model but when you miss your old car, it will have become a classic and out of your price range.